I done good!

With Down Syndrome Awareness month coming to an end, I decided I should probably say a few thing about how DS has changed my life and what it means to me.

When Grant was born, we knew there was a possibility that he would be born with a Tracheoesophageal Fistula.
http://medical-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/tracheoesophageal+fistula

So, we were prepared for that.  What we were not prepared for, was the diagnosis of Down Syndrome. So yet again, my world got shaken to it's core.  

 The moment I laid eyes on my newborn son, I knew. And as much as I hate to admit it, my thoughts were not of joy.  They were everything but.  I went into automatic blame mode.  I thought of all the things I could have done to have caused this. I shouldn't have used bleach on the bathtub.  I shouldn't have had that drink of wine when we toasted my dad after his funeral.  I shouldn't have taken care of my dad while he was dieing......I blamed myself, BIG TIME!  I went through all the emotions.  Then, I saw my baby as he was getting ready to be transported by ambulance to head to the NICU at Childrens Mercy Hospital, two hours after he was born, fighting for his little life.  That's when I knew I would fight for his little life too. 

After Grant was taken to CMH, I made my husband follow.  Though I wanted desperately to be there with him, I knew I physically could not.  But I did not want our baby to be alone.  Brian had a really hard time with this.  He didn't want to leave ME alone, but I insisted.  And as we all know, you don't argue with a hormonal woman after just giving birth!

After he left, my older kids came and visited with me.  They wanted to stay with me and went into protective baby bear mode.  I did not tell them about the possibility of DS, though.  The fistula was enough at that point and I think I was still holding on to hope that the genetic tests would come back with a negative result.  After a while, the kids left and I was alone.  And that's when I let the dam of emotions break.  I cried a huge, ugly, cry.  I cried like I never have before.  I felt sorry for myself for not being able to hold my new son. I was mad that there was a stupid flower on my hospital door, symbolizing to the nursing staff that the mommy inside was babyless.  

Then, I stopped.  I heard my grandma, (who had died 10 years before) tell me to knock it off and pull myself together, because I had a baby to take care of. So I did. 

  Grant got out of the hospital three weeks after having surgery to correct his fistula.  The Dr's were amazed at how quickly he healed, how he took to nursing almost immediately, and how fast they were able to send our little super baby home.  Little did we know that this would be the story of our lives.  Grant exceeding all expectations, amazing therapists, teachers, doctors, and nurses.  But most of all, amazing his parents.  You see, all of our preconceived notions and our initial reaction to our sons "disability" have flown out the window at super sonic speed.  Because they were WRONG!!   And many times we have heard the sayings, "God gave you this child because you are strong enough to handle him". Or, "He is blessed to have you as his parents". And though these words are said with good intentions, this is not how I see it.  I believe that God blessed us with Grant because we DESERVED him.  And this is why... Brian and I both have experienced a lot of heartache in our lives.  I won't get into the details, but trust me when I say that between the two of us, if we wrote a book together about our lives and our struggles, many would think we were making things up.  So in my opinion, Grant is our prize.  He is our light at the end of the tunnel.  Our pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.  We are his parents because we deserved some joy in our lives after all the pain. (even though he can be his own kind of pain)  He is God's way of saying, You did good.  But I really do believe He outdid himself and gave us way more than we deserve.....but we'll take it!! We wouldn't want it any other way!!